Heaven's Database Hacked, Trillions Of Angels Have Personal Information Exposed

CEO offers one year of identity theft protection
By Dan Williams | 2014.09.25

Fresh on the heels of major database hacks at Target and Home Depot, it looks like Heaven may be the latest victim in a string of hacking incidents. A spokesperson for Heaven told Rile News that although potentially trillions of angels may have had their personal data stolen, the data was encrypted, so the hackers do not have raw access to the information. In the wake of the incident, it is likely that Heaven may encounter the same decreased sales as Target, who is still reeling from their system intrusion last year.

Heaven's CEO, God, is expected to release a statement through a prophet at some point in the next millennium. Following in the footsteps of the other hacked companies, it is likely that the statement will indicate that Heaven will pay for one year of identity theft and credit monitoring. For the trillions of angels who have had their personal information exposed, and for the potential angels that have been trying to buy their way into heaven, there is little comfort in the empty gesture.

Industry experts have chastised God for failing to implement the appropriate security measures to protect the massive database. Consultants hired to assess the technical infrastructure in the year 1,000 had indicated that unless something changed quickly, the institution was at a very high risk for a major data breach. Clearly, those warnings were unheeded by the omnipotent figure.